Hanmer is also the sort of place that makes the world seem very small: no matter what day of the year you go, you'll always get caught in your swimming togs by someone you know. There is no place to hide cellulite bitten legs, lopsided bosoms or artistic birthmarks. It's a place where somebody always knows your name, and they also get to know everything there is to know about your body that can't be hidden by swimming togs. Sadly lycra cannot be renowned for discretion.
It is impossible not to have a jolly good gander at the great array of body shapes traipsing from pool to pool. Although the atmosphere is bliss, it is impossible to look one's best. Steam and lycra combine against you like a conspiracy, although there is ALWAYS someone in worse shape nearby. There are families of them actually, nutrition averse chubbas crying out for their own reality television program. I laugh, but I find it really sad. Where is Jamie Oliver when you need him?
I'd love to join the fight against childhood obesity. Actually I'd love to save the world. Most importantly, I'd also like to draw attention to an outrageous phenomenon, certainly New Zealand wide: White men, not only can you not jump, you shouldn't be getting tattoos! It is like inking oneself with gaudy works of art is the new cigarette, I expect it is saving the health system millions but the damage to bodies everywhere is oh so apparent at Hanmer Springs. I'd like to see a law passed that requires all tattoo holders to keep their bodies in shape or cover them up. And sagging is only one problem, age inappropriate art works are abound in Hanmer: they outnumber manboobs two to one. And manboobs aren't scarce. Mr G has himself just a little pair but in Hanmer he is but a filly, or should I say colt.
I have to say it, as male specimen go in the Canterbury alpine spa retreat, I've snagged myself quite a fine one. Thankfully in his younger years he resisted the urge to tattoo his guns with multi-coloured dragons and Gaelic, Russian, Chinese lettering spelling out his love of, or his mating cry for, chicks gone past. You never know, there may come a day when an elderly, toothless Sonny Bill puts his head in his hands and utters "I just wish I'd thought about my sex appeal before I turned myself into a colouring book."
If you're lucky enough to go to Hanmer without children, it can be a very romantic place. It can also be a very fun place if you have the kids in tow. There is a number of large hot pools and rock pools of varying warmth and depth. There are three very hot sulphur pools, a lazy river, a large fresh water pool and a great kids pool. Not only that there is a superbowl ride and two hydroslides AND there is a toddler water play area, although the person who designed it could never have had toddlers. It is in the most exposed area of the park, way beyond the cold water pool and the bitter winds (they're all bitter when you're wet) and lack of warm shelter or submersible warmth for wet parents means toddlers can find themselves paddy throwing and dragged towards warmer waters. There are also three 'adult only' pools with various therapy jets to soothe your aching muscles. It has to be mentioned, however, some of the jet streams are really a bit cheeky and can take you by surprise. A disturbing look around a few of the faces explains why the pools may be 'adults only'. I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere a poor, innocent wife isn't explaining to her tall, dark and handsome husband why their baby has just popped out obese, ginger and covered in tattoos. As a word of warning, if you are not on the contraceptive pill you may want to make sure that you spray yourself in sperm repellent before entering the adult pools. I also recommend NOT making eye contact!
Hanmer Springs is a wonderful retreat for travellers and quake wary locals alike. We've stayed there a number of times in the last year (NOT because of the adult pools) and lately we've stayed at a few different motels. Our favourite by far is the Alpine Springs Motel as they have a feel of luxury and are a wee distance from the heart of the village so you can enjoy the serenity. The managers are lovely and relaxed, towels for the pools are free, the spa baths are fantastic (if you haven't spent the day at the pools) and the welcome basket is a ripper. They have a two night minimum stay, however, if you book on the internet, including Whatif.com so we've sought out alternatives in silent protest. The Aspen Lodge Motel is, as it turns out, a fraction cheaper and the managers seem lovely. It is central, clean and tidy but the teal carpet, old brown curtains and dated bathroom look much better in the picture. Through no fault of their own, a smoking tourist sullied the air that blew through our open door and made me turn up my nose. Both motels have wonderful DVD libraries for adults and children alike. When I say adults, I don't mean 'adults only' although they may have a selection available for those that way inclined. I don't know, because I am not.
We've also stayed at Alpine Garden Motel. It was nice enough but the four star rating is a surprise. It too was rather dated. I was also accused of getting the room key dirty, although I'm unsure how I managed it. I was also a little perturbed that the pot had called the kettle black as I'd had the displeasure of showering with a pubic hair that had most definitely not travelled with me nor my kin. The walls also seemed a little thin in a fashion a little less voyeuristic than ablutionary. They did have a comfortable bed, a central location and a cheap 'whatif' rate and were otherwise happy accommodation. I prefer them to the night we spent on Flybuys at Greenacres Chalets and Apartments, although that night itself was great. We were lucky enough to be on our way there when the earthquakes of 23 December 2011 struck, the kind of free flybuy price tag was a treat and we were upgraded, thank goodness, to a two bedroom apartment and got a shake free night's sleep. The apartment could only be described as rustic but it was very spacious. We were a little plagued by flys, however, and late night neighbours made so much noise unloading their car we couldn't believe it when they left the next morning and didn't stay for a month. Greenacres has a lovely view of the village and a 'camping feel' setting, both inside and out. It just doesn't compare, however, to the cosy Alpine Springs Motel.
As we tend to come for the pools and the night away we don't often try everything Hanmer has to offer although we never leave not having sampled the Tasting Wheel at Monteiths Bar and Restaurant (Highly recommended) and the Rabbit does LOVE the Lolly Pot lolly shop. This past weekend, however, we not only enjoyed an evening at Monteiths, we made the mistake of attempting to have breakfast there as well. Never do this until Gordon Ramsay has paid a visit. After a truly disappointing and bitter set of coffees and nearly an hour of waiting in a pretty quiet restaurant we were served, ten minutes apart, a meal of barely cooked, cold bacon on burnt toast with cold poached eggs and cold hash browns. After waiting so long and having watched others enter after us, order after us and be served before us, we weren't prepared to wait for another lot to be cooked and the waitress was so freaking haughty that you'd have thought it was her who was expected to eat and pay for the atrocious meal. If only we'd changed our minds and chosen to eat elsewhere when we saw there was no 'girls option' (pancakes or french toast) on the menu. Categorically the worst breakfast I've ever been served and the only meal I have EVER walked out on. I'm not even certain I'll be back for a tasting wheel...
So that was our weekend. Mr G is much older and at 41, well into his forties. The Contessa came along and didn't infuriate me once nor horrify me with teenaged 'tude and the Rabbit was pretty darned cute, most of the time. The pools were relaxing, the bodies were a fascination, we left steamed and yet weary, looking forward to returning one day in the near future. The Monteiths breakfast, however, is strictly off the menu!
No comments:
Post a Comment