Reality Check

It's a funny life. I don't recall ever wanting to be anything in particular, other than a mother. It's what I've always wanted to be when I grow up. I'm not sure that I've completely grown up yet, at 37, but I do know being a Mummy is the most amazing part of my life. The Rabbit is my every dream come true, except that she's a million times more perfect  but not remotely as easy to control. I made her once by accident. She's my best ever work of carelessness. The road to number two, however, should I be so lucky, will be anything but an accident. Baby number two needs to overcome polycystic ovarian syndrome, severe endometriosis and adenomyosis AND a vasectomy. The Rabbit inadvertently overcame most of these things, not to mention a single mother who never had sex. Well ok, very almost never. Number two will hopefully be created by virtue of a series of self given injections, complicated ovarian extractions, more complicated extractions of a testicular nature and needled combinations in a test tube before being implanted in a less than romantic setting in a room full of onlookers before the waiting and testing games begin. This is if we are blessed enough to get this far.

Today I began watching a DVD describing what I am in for. I feel a little faint. My stomach is in my throat. It's hard to remain focused on the process and accept that a simple act of drunken rumpy pumpy is NOT going to get me a baby. Well it might, depending on the success of a vasectomy reversal and whether or not I,without a complicated regime of pain killers and hormone suppressants, am at all willing to go anywhere near an impregnating penis. I fear it unlikely for very many attempts, so the very unsexy, multi party approach is what we will go for. As a pathetic fainter over most things medical, I turned off the DVD at the 'egg retrieval phase'. I have spent much of the past year in and out of hospital in varying states of consciousness, in and out of lithotomy. Accordingly I'm going to accept that I can do that part, but watching someone else do it is not going to help. Instead I'm going to take one step at a time and READ about what I'll need to go through. This is right after I go for my 'drug education appointment'. That's right, I'm going to learn how to inject myself in the stomach. What's more, I'm off to learn about how to do this, on a daily basis, this afternoon. Reality is a difficult thing to face sometimes.

I understand that this is a choice I am making and that if I want to have a baby I need to do it one of two ways, and fast, prior to a much needed hysterectomy, which I am fighting so desperately. It seems absurd that ivf is the more pain free, stress free option. Reality is that adenomyosis is a freaking nightmare. So drug education (Operation Inject Myself) here I come!