Where do I start? It's easy to get lost in the perfect parent set up. We all carry parenting morals and goals instilled in us by our own parents, not to mention the deep seated resentments that we promise we shall never repeat. While we all strive to give our children the best childhood possible, balancing providing for with spoilt and balancing happy with disciplined. Most of us judge ourselves. Most of us secretly judge others, although I don't believe for judgey mcjudgerson reasons, more just to tick off, with relief, that you are NOT the worst parent in the world. Nothing really prepares you, however, for the day your child sets the standards. Not only does my five year old Rabbit set the standards it seems, she is all judge and jury and quite frankly executioner at sometimes the most surprising of times.
It's easy to get into the mundaneness of the school routine. I have been a 'school mother' for about 14 weeks now in total. I was dreading the abandonment of my child of the home, or should I say me, and I was tearful about her starting school for quite some months before she started. The rabbit was far more excited. I tried to be. She realised the problem after telling me soon after she turned four "Don't worry Mummy, I'll just go to school on Fridays." She did get a little anxious when I told her school was every day, all day, for the next thirteen years. It turns out she LOVES school and I love her being happy. I also like the routine school gives to our lives and the fact that routine gives my day a lot more purpose.
The Rabbit had always attended a preschool which provided all food. When she started school, my life as a lunch-maker also began. While other mothers detest this part of their lives, I am still fresh to the cause. I put thought into how on earth I can get enough nutrition into my child in a tasty way to ensure that she gets through the day without descending into a melting pot of temper tantruming horridness which would immediately show up my terrible parenting to unsuspecting teachers. She had never been the biggest of tantruming toddlers. Whenever her world came to an end in a screaming display almost always the problem was, and still is, a lack of food, which means almost always the tantrum was my fault. I now know a million ways to sneak oats into my child's lunch box without her turning into porridge. I am also very conscious that teachers go about checking the lunchboxes. I know this really isn't to check if the children have eaten everything but instead to judge the standards of their mothering. I imagine they give me a pass. I hope they don't go back to the staffroom and joke about what form the Rabbit's oats have taken today.
I digress a wee way. It is just that the point of my story begins in the lunch box, more particularly in a "How to be a Good Parent" newsletter from the school. It was about helping your child to learn to read and made suggestions for many great things a good parent could do. Nothing like some added pressure. One of the things the handout suggested was "putting the occasional note in their lunchbox." The odd note I figured I could do. I felt like a tremendously wonderful parent as I first slipped a wee note into the Rabbit's lunchbox and imagined with delight her surprise when she found it. I thought it might make her day. I love her so much. I am her wonderful Mummy. The note said "Oh Rabbit I love you so much. Love Mummy xxx"
I hadn't quite anticipated the stern telling off that I got. I can tell you, I hadn't realised my pint sized five year old had turned into the Supreme Court Judgey Judge of Outrageous Parental Standards. Rather than the gushy sweet "Oh Mummy I loved my note" I most certainly hadn't expected "Mummy I was so embarrassed by the note you put in my lunchbox." My face fell, my child said what? "Um, Darling, I thought you would LIKE the note" I said. "Well I did" she said "it's just that it was embarrassing." "What was embarrassing?" I asked her nervously. "Well" she said, as she drew out her explanation, "It's because of the word "Oh"." "The word "OH" was embarrassing?" I asked, surprised. I could explain as an aside that it is a saying that has been around all the Rabbit's life, since before I was a Mummy and I trained my tiny niece to say "Oh Aunty I love you so much". The word "oh" wasn't something I expected to embarrass her. "It was the "oh" that I found embarrassing" she uttered "next time you just need to write "Dear." I didn't really have many words.
I hadn't anticipated 'a next time'. The "How To Be A Superior Sort of Mummy" sheet didn't say "every day" it said "occassionally". I tried to explain this to the miniture dictator but she said "actually" she'd really like them every day. She reminded me the next morning as I was cramming her oats in her lunchbox so I wrote a quick note. It said "Dear Rabbit. I hope you have a lovely day. Love Mummy xxx" On the front I drew a star. I again puffed out my Good Mummy chest. You can imagine how I sucked it back in when the five year old told me later that night that she doesn't really like stars and that her favourite shape is a heart. My mouth was a little speechless. My internal mouth, the one inside my head, however said "are you fucking kidding me?" I managed "Um, Darling, I don't think I'll write another note because you're rather ungrateful." She said "Mummy, please, please, please do because I do like my notes, I won't complain again." I believed her.
The note on the Wednesday said "Hi Rabbit, Have a great day. I love you so much, Mummy x" I drew a love heart on the front. Not a star. It isn't her favourite shape. I put it in her lunchbox, with her oats (and her fruit and sandwiches, I am not a mean Mummy, I am a Good one) and I hoped it had finally passed the little brat's standards. I was pleased at the end of the day that it had. You'd think all was ok. Instead I heard "Mummy, I really liked my note and my love heart...it's just that So-and-So said it was DUMB. Don't get me started on So-and-So. She is in fact a dear little thing that is gorgeous and sweet and clever. She is also, at 8 weeks older than the Rabbit, therefore 8 weeks ahead of her at school, the next thing to God in the Rabbit's eyes and the child that can do no wrong. She choses who she plays with, what they play and the Rabbit is all "But So-and-So says" and I get but a little frustrated. I believe sometimes that So-and-So corrupted my child's innocence in the workings of the school playground. But then I am also accutely aware that my innocent wee Rabbit has also more than likely told So-and-So that the Peeenis goes in the Va-GI-na and I am too embarrassed to mention this to her parents.
THANKFULLY, in my Good Mummy Wisdom, I realised, or at least I suspected that the reason So-and-So thought the notes were dumb (nothing to do with words like "oh" or shapes like stars) was because she was jealous. 5 year olds or in fact any children don't like missing out, especially when their own mummies haven't strived to follow the "Good Mummies Do This" list that the school has handed out. I don't for a second think that So-and-So's mummy is anything more than a very good Mummy but for once I knew what to do about it. Thursday's note said "Dear Rabbit and So-and-So, I hope you have a really good day. Have fun at school. xxx" Finally, I am pleased to say, I passed the child-set standards for Good Mummies. Every day with her oats, Rabbit still gets a note to share with her bossy little friend So-and-So. I am pleased to report that it is something they both look forward to each day. I am a little more wearied but I am still in the running for a Good Mummy self award.
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