It's an interesting concept: strangers for support. For the most part it works well, we are all in the same boat and it is lovely to find normality in the hormonal affects of pregnancy. It is clear that most of us are in fact suffering the same. We are almost all anxious and fretful, suspicious of any missing symptoms and terrified of miscarriage. We are all, it would seem, admitting to diabolical moods. All of them grumpy. We are all desperate to be Mummies, either for the first time or again and we are all for the most part playing beautifully with each other. Which is amazing, because in our real lives we are all admitting to tyrannical behaviour and an out of control mix of hormones which is causing havoc in our lives.
I am the grandma of the group. Seriously. No one is as old as me. I'm quite certain none of them feel as old as me either. I am feeling ancient. I seriously am looking dreadful. My Rabbit looked at me yesterday with so much concern as she questioned my elderly hands and old wrinkly chest. She has yet to mention my pirate treasure eyes (sunken and black) but there is sadness in her eyes as she looks at me. I've told her that the baby is sucking out the goodness but when it's born I'll return to my youthful, beautiful self. I thought she'd bought it but she told me she knew of just the thing to make me beautiful again. Out of the mouths of 5 year olds!
It turns out she'd seen an ad for Garnier Ultra Lift Wrinkle Cream. She told me it began with a capital G, was in a red jar and would only take 28 days to sort me out. When the ad came on again, while she was watching tv with her Dadda, she begged him to buy some for her wrinkly, old Mummy. He, being charming and cynical told her it would be unlikely to work. Prick. The Rabbit was devastated. "Don't worry Mummy", she said "I'll love you anyway."
I haven't declared my corpse like state to my "Due Group", although they are being very nice about my age. They seem, to be honest, like a lovely bunch of women. It has been devastating to have a few pull out of the group as their scans have detected impending miscarriages. I have enjoyed their solidarity as they declare their irrational moodiness. I have been ever so relieved to know I am not the only one that panics when their boobs are a little less sore, they don't feel sick enough, they, today, don't feel pregnant. Because I am so anxious, so moody, and so panicky with any sign of normality. But I also so exhausted, fraught with under carriage stretching pains (yay for adenomyosis and endometriosis...not) and my sense of smell is driving me insane. It is so acute.
I have mentioned I live with a teenager who next to never washes. This week it was twice, both on her father's instruction. Her clothes have not been washed for months, except the small socks and underpant wash she did on Wednesday that remains wet and unhung. Her bed sheet (just the one) has been changed once since February, and it was replaced with one from her dirty washing pile. She sprays perfumed odour disguisers all over herself frequently and her hair is amass with hairspray. Unpregnant I can't stand the smell. Pregnant it hovers for hours longer than usual, it is ghastly. It is not only her smell though, over perfumed and talcumed ladies in shops, any hint of mal odour. My sister sent down my old maternity clothes but I can't get the smell of storage out of them. It's like being in an opshop. It's like I smell it in my throat. It is as close to morning sickness that I get. I can't stand it.
I am also struggling with food. Pregnancy eating is SUCH a stressful way to grow a baby. The list of risk factors keeps growing and the need to eat healthily is so difficult when it seems nothing I want to eat is permitted. Yesterday my beautiful husband came home with dinner prepared: supermarket chicken, pre packaged coleslaw and ready made chicken ravioli. Great. Cheese and tomato rolls for me. I really did appreciate the effort but he washed his listeria chicken down with wine and I had my rolls with a glass of water. It had been a very long day!
It began when the Rabbit woke at 4.30am with quite a fever. By morning she was a very sick, fluey girl with a raging temperature despite a dose of paracetamol. I carried her into the doctors, where everything hurt and she began vomiting bile. She was diagnosed with influenza, a step from being admitted to hospital for observation and placed under "acute demand" care. The panic began to set in. Not only was my baby very sick, pregnancy and the flu do NOT go together. There is a very real risk of miscarriage. I was promptly jabbed with the flu innoculation and prescribed tamiflu. The risks of the precautions are well overtaken with the risks of influenza. I took my sick baby and my sore arm and my antiviral medication home.
Today the Rabbit has made a miraculous recovery, It would appear she had a different sort of virus as she no longer has a fever and is snotty rather than fluey. I am in a panic about the drugs I have now taken. It is fantastic that she has made such a recovery but I'm not sure what I should do. I think certainly I should stop the Tamiflu. And one of my Due Group has mentioned that a friend of hers miscarried twins the day after getting her flu innoculation. It is times like this when being in a group can cause more panic than support. If only I was the calm and relaxed kind. Typically it is the weekend so I really have no one to ask! I am tired, I am moody, and I am just that little bit more stressed. But at least my wee daughter is looking much better!
All I need is Garnier...
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