Don't panic, I'm panicking

Well the last few days have been REALLY hard! All was going well until I had more spotting on Wednesday, Anzac day. My nerves are so frazzled. As it was a public holiday I had no option but to wait until Thursday to make a phone call. And I have to wait until lunchtime today for another scan. I have had A LOT of aching pains which although are probably stretching pains and expected, they make me nervous and we have one irate, door slamming, foully behaved, sulking teenager praying I'll have a miscarriage. I just want to cry.

Have I mentioned I am not the world's most calm person? Stressed is my middle name. Irrational would describe my inner thought process. Desperate would describe my state of mind. I forgot how angst ridden early pregnancy was. I'd told myself how much better I would be this time but I'm not doing a good job of convincing myself. It's that last chance raising it's head again. My mother tells me she'd like to start knitting but it's too early yet, I might lose it. Seriously? Thanks for that. Not once, but twice. Just what I need, someone else's stress. It seems no one can say the right thing to me, no conversation is safe. No I don't want to hear stories of people who were 7 weeks pregnant but lost the baby and can't have more. No I don't want to go to the toilet again in case I'm spotting again. No I don't want to be awake for the next 33 weeks. I want to be asleep and wake up to a healthy baby. Did someone mention that women get moody in pregnancy?

In good news, I have one VERY excited wee Rabbit. After the first scan Mr G told his parents of the impending delivery, which meant the Contessa was going to find out, which means the Rabbit needed to be told. It was becoming too difficult to hide from her. She has acute, Rabbit ears, she keeps reading over my shoulder when I'm on the computer and if I spelled p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t, she'd know what I'd spelt. Having a 5 year old with a very advanced reading age can be a difficulty. But as long as everything goes well, she's so positive and happy about getting a baby brother or sister than it is great that she knows. She can't wait!!! She's ever so cute.

I'm going to go and have a cup of tea and do my hair so I can head off for my scan. I just hope everything is ok so I can relax and settle into sore boobs and painful stretching without the frequent panic attacks...

Everything is ok!

Ok it's official, I am the world's worst blogger. I have been neglectful and I am sorry. It's been school holidays, I was sick for more than the first week and then I got busy. And then my daughter turned into a demon child and then she got better and I had a little spotting scare and then I had a scan and the good news is baby looks good, has a little heart beat, and is due on 12.12.12. I am officially taking it easy.

I have a million things to update and things to write and the swing of things to get back into including the fact I am a nervous wreck, I look 5 months pregnant, no seriously, the Rabbit is extremely excited about being a big sister and the Contessa is murderous. Naming is showing signs of diabolical disaster. The inlaws are coping with the news of impending delivery and my boobs are sore. I bet you can't wait to hear all about it.

I PROMISE to book some time in at the computer over the next few days and get this blog back on the road. Thank you for all your messages, I'm sorry an update has been a while coming. I'll be back:)

And still...

So I'm been on a road trip with the Rabbit, a friend and her four children. We had fun! It was an internet free few days. Sadly now that I am back I am riddled with lurgy - I'm croaky, fluey and miserable BUT I am still pregnant! Blood result today was very promising. I have been so nervous - pregnancy pain with my sick uterus is miserable, if only it wasn't so like endometriosis/adenomyosis pain so that I could distinguish it and feel excited by it instead of all "here we go again". In my next life I'm coming back with nerves of steel, these pansy, antsy ones are the pits. Although I wonder with the way they raise my heart beat it's basically like I do continuous exercise. I should be really fit!!!!! I'll be back blogging when I'm not a huge, too tired for walking, too croaky for talking virus. In the meantime, pregnant:)

One Word:

Pregnant.

One more sleep...

So tomorrow is the day of the blood test. I am nervous. I am spotty. I have one tender boob. My guess is pregnant. Far out I hope so. Please fingers crossed, toes crossed and for the truly hopeful, legs crossed. PLEASE let it be so. Test is first thing in the morning, the afternoon will have me waiting for a phone call, maybe all afternoon. It may be a looooooong day...

The Seduction of Email

Every day I get seductive emails from women. Well apparently women. Women with names like Heather and Denise and Lisa. Women with names like Heather and Denise and Lisa who apparently want to fuck me. Seriously. Apparently I am a dirty, horny lesbian. Not a way I had previously looked at myself but if my inbox is to be believed, it is the way the world views me. There's no need for me to panic. Apparently most of them are married and come with no strings attached, although some of them would like to tie me up. While they fuck me. Some of them just want to chat.

Although this may come as a surprise to Lisas, Denises and Heathers, I don't find the emails even the slightest bit titillating. I don't get a bit curious. Except about the name commonalities. I think I'll certainly think twice before striking up a conversation about sex with anyone of the same name lest they throw their clothes off. I'm not sure why any of these ladies think that I am at all in to 'fucking', or committing adultery, but thankfully my inbox also provides me with ways to get a little more aroused. Specifically, ways to enlarge my penis.

Apparently, there are a number of places on the internet market that can provide me with means and ways to increase the size of my penis beyond my wildest dreams. My dreams clearly need to get a little wilder! Having been born without a penis and having only managed to acquire rights to one through marriage, I'm not entirely certain why 'discretion' is required. Presumably once my penis has doubled, tripled or quadrupled in size my husband would begin to notice. I'm not entirely certain he'd be thrilled to find his wife with a penis. Ironically, it may threaten his manliness. I think we'd both be afraid. Not nearly as afraid as I would be if all the Heathers, Lisas and Denises found out about it. Of course maybe I should find out what the fuss is about?

Clearly I'd have to have a fiddle. Apparently they get very itchy so I'd have to scratch it. A lot. Apparently they get very lonely so I'd have to hold it. A lot. And since I take my marital vows seriously, I think my husband should let me stick it in him so I get the idea of what is so incredibly amazing about penises, beyond the benefits they can provide for others. I wonder if I'll be satisfied with my penis or whether I'll be waiting for more emails to see how I can improve it. I do hope cosmetic surgery isn't too expensive. Although I don't need to worry about money anymore. Apparently I have a Nigerian uncle.

If ALL my emails were to be believed, I should really wear black permanently. It turns out I have a LOT of relatives who have recently died that I didn't know about. Great news is they haven't realised how many relatives I already have, so they think I'm the only one so I'm soon to inherit millions and I won't have to share. I've been trying to figure out how to get my bank to email the various lawyers and governments concerned confirming that I will pay all the legal fees to have all my inheritances cleared and free for my usage. Only problem is ALL the banks I can name are all mailing me to say there are problems with my accounts. They want my details again. And information about my first pets. That's nice.

I don't know how people got on without email, or where they bought their Rolex's from or how they could live with themselves and their penises. But I for one appreciate what it does for my self esteem. It's changed my life. Knowing that Heather, Lisa and Denise all want to fuck me with my new and improved penis while we roll in the monies left to me by all my late, Nigerian uncles makes life just seem so much more livable. I must go and let my bank manager know about Fluffy!

April Ha Ha Fools...

One of the exciting and most rewarding things of mummyhood is watching your little blessing experience firsts: the first Christmas they look forward to and have genuine excitement for; their first Easter egg hunt; their first birthday that doesn't come as a pleasant surprise. A good mummy would be terribly excited about all of them, and generally I am, but yesterday was The Rabbit's most recent "first" that she was incredibly excited about but for the rest of the family it was somewhat less so. April Fools Day. A day which had previously been unheard of by my five year old. A day which is RIGHT up her little alley of quirky senses of humour!

It was her school teacher that told her. The Rabbit and her little friend So-and-So came out of class on Friday barely able to contain their excitement. They were planning their tricks. Their excitement was so overwhelming they couldn't keep any of them secret. I could tell it was going to be a long weekend! So-and-So was all about pretend spiders on backs. The Rabbit was less decisive and talking nonsense. As Sunday approached she still couldn't decide what she was going to do to prank everybody!

On Saturday night, still unable to decide and me without even the tiniest of clues of what to suggest, we consulted our good friend Google. Google wasn't that much help. It had few suggestions and even fewer I was willing to try: turning taps to spray in unsuspecting faces; gladwrap on the toilet bowl and foul tasting pretend coffee were repeat suggestions. Others were fake but real looking food. Things like that took planning. I was trying to get the child to bed not sit up all night making plasticine food with her. Like it would fool anyone.

We decided we would take Daddy an empty mug for his coffee in the morning and she would get Daddy to fill her cereal bowl with milk after I had hidden food colouring under the cereal. It was the best plan we could muster. There were almost tears when Daddy got up to make the coffees. The cereal plan didn't work brilliantly. I had to stir it all up before it worked. Daddy hadn't had a coffee so he didn't make too much effort to smile. I hadn't had a coffee so I didn't care. I went back to bed to read while The Rabbit schemed. I didn't get much reading done. She came in begging for a trick that would work. We screwed up some paper and wrapped it in an easter egg wrapper. She gave it to the Contessa. The Contessa clearly couldn't be bothered humouring a five year old. "Ha ha" she moaned sarcastically. The Rabbit stomped back in to my room.

Daddy came in with my coffee and asked us if we'd seen the frog on the back lawn. We've had frogs before. Big ones. I am scared of frogs. I discovered this the first time one appeared. I rang MAF. They laughed at me. I sent in a photo of the giant frog. They called it a "little" frog. It was as big as my fist plus legs! Apparently it wasn't an escaped foreign enemy. It was a local. The Rabbit looked out the window in excitement. I clicked as she did so. "April Fools" said Daddy. "Harrumph" said the Rabbit. She'd have found it a lot funnier if someone had fallen for one of her tricks.

It turned out that we had one more opportunity to trick the Dadda. He spilled his own coffee so we made him another one. With soy sauce. Because I'm a woman who doesn't believe something as important as a morning coffee should ever be interfered with I whispered bewares to my husband. I also shot "you'd better act a LOT better than you have done" looks. Thankfully he pretended to taste it, then went "oh yuck, what is that" and The Rabbit was happy. "Ha ha ha" she laughed maniacally."We tricked you, April Fools Day". It was a big relief to us all that she thought she'd been successful. The day proceeded quietly with the odd spider on our backs.

"I love April Fools Day" she said as I tucked her into bed. A friend had told me April Fools was great for fooling kids - "hey, let's go to the zoo....April Fools, hey chocolate cake for dinner....April Fools" It made me laugh but I couldn't muster the mean. I told her I had a trick for her to forewarn her little temperament "we can have pizza for breakfast I said". Her eyes widened in excitement then went "oh, April Fools' Day". "You know Mummy" she said "Mrs C said anyone who did an April Fools joke after lunch was the one who was the fool". "Fair enough" I said, not really believing that one. It is called April Fools' DAY not morning or hour or minute. I finally understand the limitation though - it's a long day if madness and mayhem and maniacal laughter is left to its own devices any longer than is absolutely necessary. In retrospect though, I did really enjoy my baby's latest "first".

The crazies.

Well today I am an absolute bundle of nerves! I am still getting a lot of dragging pain...it's so frustrating that being premenstrual and being slightly pregnant have the same symptoms. I am a step away from complete panic attack. I am scared to go to the toilet in case I am bleeding and while I feel a bit sick, it is almost definitely nerves. I have slightly tender boobs, particularly the left...but then I am also still pessarising with progesterone and poking and prodding the poor things relentlessly hoping for sensitivity. I may well be causing it! I am definitely going crazy! Wednesday seems months away.