The Seduction of Email

Every day I get seductive emails from women. Well apparently women. Women with names like Heather and Denise and Lisa. Women with names like Heather and Denise and Lisa who apparently want to fuck me. Seriously. Apparently I am a dirty, horny lesbian. Not a way I had previously looked at myself but if my inbox is to be believed, it is the way the world views me. There's no need for me to panic. Apparently most of them are married and come with no strings attached, although some of them would like to tie me up. While they fuck me. Some of them just want to chat.

Although this may come as a surprise to Lisas, Denises and Heathers, I don't find the emails even the slightest bit titillating. I don't get a bit curious. Except about the name commonalities. I think I'll certainly think twice before striking up a conversation about sex with anyone of the same name lest they throw their clothes off. I'm not sure why any of these ladies think that I am at all in to 'fucking', or committing adultery, but thankfully my inbox also provides me with ways to get a little more aroused. Specifically, ways to enlarge my penis.

Apparently, there are a number of places on the internet market that can provide me with means and ways to increase the size of my penis beyond my wildest dreams. My dreams clearly need to get a little wilder! Having been born without a penis and having only managed to acquire rights to one through marriage, I'm not entirely certain why 'discretion' is required. Presumably once my penis has doubled, tripled or quadrupled in size my husband would begin to notice. I'm not entirely certain he'd be thrilled to find his wife with a penis. Ironically, it may threaten his manliness. I think we'd both be afraid. Not nearly as afraid as I would be if all the Heathers, Lisas and Denises found out about it. Of course maybe I should find out what the fuss is about?

Clearly I'd have to have a fiddle. Apparently they get very itchy so I'd have to scratch it. A lot. Apparently they get very lonely so I'd have to hold it. A lot. And since I take my marital vows seriously, I think my husband should let me stick it in him so I get the idea of what is so incredibly amazing about penises, beyond the benefits they can provide for others. I wonder if I'll be satisfied with my penis or whether I'll be waiting for more emails to see how I can improve it. I do hope cosmetic surgery isn't too expensive. Although I don't need to worry about money anymore. Apparently I have a Nigerian uncle.

If ALL my emails were to be believed, I should really wear black permanently. It turns out I have a LOT of relatives who have recently died that I didn't know about. Great news is they haven't realised how many relatives I already have, so they think I'm the only one so I'm soon to inherit millions and I won't have to share. I've been trying to figure out how to get my bank to email the various lawyers and governments concerned confirming that I will pay all the legal fees to have all my inheritances cleared and free for my usage. Only problem is ALL the banks I can name are all mailing me to say there are problems with my accounts. They want my details again. And information about my first pets. That's nice.

I don't know how people got on without email, or where they bought their Rolex's from or how they could live with themselves and their penises. But I for one appreciate what it does for my self esteem. It's changed my life. Knowing that Heather, Lisa and Denise all want to fuck me with my new and improved penis while we roll in the monies left to me by all my late, Nigerian uncles makes life just seem so much more livable. I must go and let my bank manager know about Fluffy!