But I needed one. Honest.

I'm not entirely certain how I became a housewife. Well I know how it came about, but I am quite certain it isn't a natural state of affairs. Perhaps what I mean, is it is just not something I am very good at. Well the parenting thing is all good, I don't think on the "Terrible Parent" list I tick too many boxes. On the "House Wifery Wonders" list I unfortunately don't tick too many boxes either. I don't manage to do a whole lot of cleaning, I'm not the best cook, I suffer terribly from procrastination and quite frankly I get overwhelmed with cabin fever. Not only that, but I only have one kid. And she goes to school.

Technically speaking I should have a lot of time on my hands, a sparkling house and a well fed family, all dressed from head to foot in home crafted, crocheted, sewn and knitted items that make them the laughing stock of the more jealous, less loved types and people with taste. But instead I seem to be fighting a battle with piles of washing, dirty windows, cobwebs, dishes and intolerable piles of things to do. When I say piles, I mean literally, my house is covered in piles and piles of things to put away, things to file, things to discard, things to claim and quite frankly I am running out of spaces to place, or should I say hide, my piles. And the days keep disappearing.

There are days, however, when the housewife within comes screaming out with a vengeance and a halo of clean and sparkly hovers above my head. It is not so often that this occurs on an ordinary day but every now and again a miracle happens. As it happens, however, clean and sparkly usually takes place immediately after I exercise complete and utter lack of restraint and indulge what seems to be an addiction of concerning personality conflicting Obsessive Compulsive Disorderative Collecting of Housewifery Appliances (OCDCHA). Put simply, I have been shopping. I have a new toy. Housewifery is expensive. My new Bissell Powerwash carpet and floor cleaner was quite a bargain. Everyone should get one. I got mine at the Powerstore. Mr G bought it for me.

With all good addictions, justification is an important component. I am an exceptionally talented justifier when it comes to needing cleaning appliances. Despite the fact my husband is aware of my OCDCHA and has banned me on several occasions from extending my collection, he has today been my enabler. His problem is that he apparently lacks evidence on a regular basis that I know how to use any of my cleaning equipment. He has long since believed that my days, and the days of any Housewife, are spent drinking coffee, gossipping, and lying about masturbating and eating chocolate. He lives in a fantasy world. I think the problem lies in how our roles would be reversed if I went to work and he took charge of the house. Let's substitute coffee with beer and gossipping with watching sport and I don't want to know where he reaches his conclusions. I am fairly certain his standards would be a darned sight more flaccid if our roles were to reverse. And we would have to buy A LOT more chocolate!

But I've gone on a little tangent. Justification for needing yet another cleaning appliance: my steam cleaner (for floors and carpet) died in the December 23 earthquakes. It suffered a fall. Onto my car along with a bike and a queen sized headboard. I didn't notice for quite some time that it no longer worked, because our floors don't get steamed nearly as often as they should. But let's not pick on our housewife. Our carpets are in need of a good steaming. They haven't been done for a while. We have a cat. Actually we have two. One has long, greasy hair which he leaves everywhere and the other one's name is Stinky. They were both part of Mr G's contribution to matrimonial property. There are also the coffee stains for which I have long since blamed on my stepchild. The streak down the carpets on the way down the hall. It turns out they were left for me to clean by Mr G himself. If I want a hot coffee in the mornings, he says, there may be spillage. Clearly I need a carpet cleaner. And I promised the teen, his teen, that should she clean her stench pit, I would replace her broken, mouldy blind and I would clean her stench filled carpet. She was required to attend to all other bedroom surfaces.

I can't explain the smell that emanates from that room and I refuse to accept it is "normal" for teen aged girls, no matter what my mother in law says. Let us say the Contessa is special. She takes stench to a whole new level. A level only previously achieved by flat fulls of filthy all male students, competing for most despicable flat in all of the most decrepit hovels of Dunedin. She competes well. So CLEARLY a carpet cleaner was needed in the form of a paid cleaner, a hired rug doctor or a new appliance. In the interests of "saving money" and future cleaning ability, we spent lots of money. We got a great deal though, $299 (down from $499) for the Bissell Power Wash, and $45 worth of cleaning solutions (down from $63). Everyone should get one!

So far I have cleaned one rug and one lounge. Going by the filth that I tipped down the drain the appliance does a VERY good job. The carpets didn't look nearly as bad as they should have, going by the colour of the water and I'm not the world's worst housewife. I vacuum often. Remind me to tell you about my new vacuum cleaner. Despite the fact we had to put the Bissell Power Wash together - and screw in three screws - and we are not the best couple to undertake assemblies of tool requiring kind - it is very easy to use. The carpet looks fantastic and it is not too wet. I can't wait to use it on the hard floors and the rest of the house and we already have the Contessa under instruction to clean the pit to prepare for a midweek carpet cleaning. She doesn't know that I am planning to surprise her with a new (homemade) blind, matching duvet cover and some wall art to TRY and encourage her to not be so freaking slovenly. But I fear she's years from a cleaning epiphany. In the meantime, I am one very happy housewife.