Me. The Drug Addict.

So yesterday I collected a bag filled with extraordinarily expensive drugs and last night I started injecting myself with them. Funnily enough, I got a bit of a high. Two highs really, first was when I walked out of the Clinic with my bag of drugs, second was after my first self given injection. I was so excited I wanted to do it again. I never thought it would be a process that would give me a feeling of elation but not only is self-injecting a little empowering, the promise of a maybe baby is just so very exciting. For anyone who has happened upon this blog I'm afraid it's not the candid confessions of a druggie but rather the beginning of my IVF journey.

The emotions and nerves and promises and risks and potential for devastation in baby making, the test tube way, are difficult to get a handle on. Unlike most IVF patients, my husband and I haven't been trying to make a baby the old fashioned way. This is our first go and maybe our only go. Because IVF was an option only presented to us a few weeks ago, I am all a little Deer in the Headlights. I'm also a bit Bull in a China Shop. The nurse I saw yesterday at the Clinic must have participated in every rise and fall possible on the rollercoaster of IVF. Her patience was amazing as she showed me though the drug pack and explained the procedure to ensure I could follow it. Timing, it seems, is everything. Imagine a job where you get to help people make babies and achieve their dreams. Imagine knowing also that so many hearts will be broken. Thankfully she shared my enthusiasm and calmed my nerves. She sent me on my way on a happy wave of hope.

The drug bag itself is like a wee refrigerator pack. It contains nearly two thousand dollars worth of drugs, some cleaning wipes and my very own 'sharps disposal' container. The bag is bright green. Strikingly green. "Here I am" green. It was, I thought, an unusual choice of colour but I realised it must have been well thought out. It's not like you could randomly hand out a blue or pink bag without kind of implying the bag contains a boy or a girl. I only hope green doesn't mean a goblin. It seems a bit silly to think like that but the promise of a baby contained in that bag is almost akin to raising a tamagotchi. If you follow the instructions and nurture the contents of this bag it is almost a baby. Almost. If only that was all there was to it.

I was so excited I couldn't wait to start. But of course I had to wait. My first injection session and each subsequent Gonal F session is to take place at 9pm, on the dot. I have set my alarm to give me a reminder that it is injection time. Nerves are troublesome things. Mine made the needle preparation stage all a little more difficult. It wasn't so much the needle itself and what I had to do with it but the insane cost of the medicine it contained inside. It is not something I can afford to spill! The injection itself was nearly painless. It was exciting. Elating. I wanted to do it again. I have to wait until 9pm tonight.

So my journey has begun. I have 5 more injections before my next blood test and a scan to see how my egg follicles are doing. In the meantime I need to wait for the side effects to kick in. "Do you think in the morning I'll have ENORMOUS breasts?" I asked my husband as I climbed into bed. "Ah no" he said, not even thinking about it, like it could be a possibility. Which is a step less reassuring than a scoff. I guess I could dream that they might grow. "Perhaps" he said "I should inject some into my testicles and my penis could be enormous?" he said. Not, of course, that it isn't already an incredible penis, I say, as I'm not entirely certain I have permission to discuss our marital phallus. I told him that the 'egg stimulating' hormones would be more likely to shrivel his entire package and not only that, it is such an expensive drug that it simply wasn't worth experimenting with. He didn't look disappointed.

And so we wait, on breast watch, mood watch, and in my case pain watch, and look forward to 9pm each night when I can inject myself again. My life as a drug addict has begun!