Ode to Google

Although it is up for debate, I do believe the most important invention in the modern day housewife's life is a miracle. No, although undoubtedly crucial, it is not wine. Wine is up there on the list. Especially if you are a step mothering housewife. It is not a refrigerator, an oven, it is certainly not an iron and you may be surprised to know after my purchase this week, it is not the Bissell Powerwash Powerbrush Carpet Cleaner. It is something far more simple, yet far more world conquering. It is something I use every single day without fail. I promise you it is not wine. It is not chocolate. It is something that starts with 'G' and rhymes with frugal. It is the housewife's guide to EVERYTHING.

Many people out there will remember, through the haze, life without the internet. It is hard to remember now, but once upon a time Google was something we lived quite happily without. It's amazing we have survived. If I could have a cyber raising of hands from all of you who do not use Google on a daily basis, I will stand open mouthed in disbelief. How on earth can you function without Google?

In the course of one day Google can mean oh so many things. It can be a saviour, an informant, a mystery solver and the root of all evil. It should really be named 'A Housewife's Greatest Companion'. Next to one's favourite husband, of course (sorry Darling, it's not all about you). No other, for want of a better term, Appliance, can help you as frequently in your day. It can aid you in child rearing, spot cleaning, curtain making, soul searching, problem solving, recipe creating, argument solving and general "well I never knew that" insights into absolutely, freaking everything. At its best, Google is the modern day heathen's bible. At it's worst, Google is the cause of more angst and mental furore than the devil himself. There remains one thing that Google is always consulted for but should very never, ever, ever be. You guessed it. Medical diagnosis.

Google and sickness should never ever meet because no matter how many medical sites and forums there are on the World Wide Web, Google will always insure that what ever symptoms you have, they will always be construed into some form of illness far, far worse than the one you actually have. Simple prickle in a finger becomes a super bug infested certainty for amputation; indigestion is quite obviously an indication of cardiac failure and possible leprosy; an itchy knee can only mean an impossible condition to pronounce but when left to fester will lead to bowel cancer; and what have previously been known as "women's problems" suddenly become clear cases of infections of the prostate gland brought on by syphilis caught from a middle eastern scarab beetle's semen, caught under the fingernails, most likely in the post office. It would seem that just as Google is ever so helpful, it also diagnoses 80% of its users, on a weekly basis, to some condition no matter how benign the symptoms, to something obscure, carcinogenic, absurd and life threatening. Doctor's rooms around the world are filled with jittering, panicked hypochondriacs self diagnosed, with the help of Google, though ultimately in need of a sticky plaster. It is amazing that a tool so reckless is what helps the world go round.

As I have mentioned, I consult Google religiously. The door to door salesmen of the 80s and 90s, pushing Encyclopedia Britannica like cocaine on "Good Parents" everywhere are now unemployed. In the past week I have used Google to prove to my wee Rabbit that no matter what her friend So-and-So says, she did NOT see two eagles in the school field at lunch time. They were magpies. They were so. I have looked for books, researched facts about important celebrities, stalked a few randoms, diagnosed myself with lopsided testicles and hunted down a local Pippins group for the Rabbit maybe to join. I have also trawled the recipe blogs of many a better mother in the hunt for things to bake for school lunches: primary ingredient: oats.

There is a thing I love about Google and recipes. Even though I am by no means a master of culinary activities, with Google I can find a recipe for ANYTHING. I simply type in whatever list of ingredients I happen to have in the pantry and refrigerator, even if they are crying out for restocking, and without fail even the least complimentary of ingredients can be found in a recipe SOMEWHERE listed on Google combined. You should try it. Say celery, bananas and cinnamon. Say mince, blueberries and stale bread. There is always something that comes up. It is Google that makes baking quite fun. It is Google I blame when my baking doesn't turn out right. Quite clearly it is never my fault.

Last night, for example, I baked muffins with bananas and oats and I mixed a few recipes, because I didn't have all the ingredients for either, and they came out ok but not perfect. I also set out to make some biscuits without oats in the search line, but it would seem my search engine assumes oats as one ingredient regardless. Quite aside from my baking incompetence, Google unfortunately isn't indiscriminate when it comes to choosing which recipe it gives prominence. Some recipes just don't work. I'm quite certain my biscuits would have been a disaster even if I hadn't overlooked the egg, then added it to the mixture later, with some milk to make it less globby, and some additional flour and more milk and more flour. But funnily enough they kind of worked out as biscuit typed bun things. And I have Google to thank. Google feeds my family. Google helps housewifery happen. So in conclusion to my ramble I salute Google and Googlers. And school lunch healthy eating policies, where duty teachers patrol lunch eating children and force them to eat everything in their lunch boxes. Oats, Google and all.